Ryan has been a good friend of mine for 10 plus years. Recently he shared with me about his break up and the ensuing fall out. I asked him to guest blog for us and share his male perspective with our readers. Often times as a women I’ve felt as if I was the only one left hurting at the end of a relationship. I appreciate and admire both his vulnerability and honesty in this post.
I was asked to type a guest blog from the male perspective of a break up. “Curious” was the word used to describe how a man processes a break up. Now if you have followed this blog you will see that the usual authors touch base on dating, being single, heartbreak, struggles, frustrations and ways they cope with all of those issues as well as the… break up.
My situation is not unlike many others but it’s vastly unique in many perspectives. None of which are appropriate for here but lets just say the struggle is real.
I recently was broken up with after dating a woman for two years. We bought a house together. We had plans. We had a future. I however did not take the relationship serious for the first half, was caught being unfaithful and spent the last nine months trying to mend what I broke. I was given a firm promise of no matter what we will get through this. Our love was more than enough and even though I hurt her, cut her to her soul, she wanted to stick by me. She loved me.
I really bought into that promise and commitment she showed me. My heart opened up in ways I had never experienced and we grew closer. Little did I know that the damage I had done would slowly tear open that original wound and create so much worry and unprocessed hurt that no amount of love could fix it. Yes we had our battles in between but we could always talk them through and we could always come out on top.
To say I was blind sided by the break up was an understatement. Looking back now I should have done more, things I wanted to do, should have done but just thought what I was doing was enough instead. I could now see the signs of it all unwinding as the clarity of it all sets in but the hurt is still real.
A day before my birthday I was flipped upside down. “I gave up”. “I can’t do it anymore”. “I’m not happy and I shouldn’t feel this way”. Take each one of those letters, make them red hot and have them pressed against your heart. One right after another she ripped those statements off while crying so hard and it hurt. It hurt as I fought for two weeks to show her she was wrong. That I knew what I did wasn’t enough and I wasn’t fighting to just get her back but earn her back. In the end it wasn’t enough and things fell apart much deeper and uglier. It’s the battle I’m currently fighting now.
This wasn’t my first break up. She wasn’t the first person I thought I would marry. As you age and mature things affect you differently. Life is precious and fast paced and you look for security and now I have none. I have retreated to family as I pick up the pieces.
I can imagine if one actually cared about the other person than as a male or female it is no different to lose someone. Being on the losing end sucks. Hurting someone sucks just as bad but at least you had the choice right?
I suppose from a mans perspective the unknown is different. Girls stick together like glue when things go bad. Men process things differently and offer different types and levels of support. Sure every guy could say he’s going to go out and tear up the town and just hate fuck her memory from his head on his next few conquests but it doesn’t change your situation. It certainly doesn’t change that woman have all of the power. A guy can want everything in the world but will he get it? No. Woman are picky, empowered, educated, informed and tired of being hurt. It’s now a game to show you’re not a douche, you’re reliable and most importantly loyal. Being a man in his 30’s begins to limit your dating pool. Younger women? Sure… Single mothers? Sure… Divorced? Sure…. We are all single for some reason though. We screwed up or someone hurt us. I fall into both.
This is not the adventure or story I was hoping to be written for me. It’s scary and humbling. Not quite so different are we when we are vulnerable.