I don’t know if I’m taking this whole, “new year, new me” thing too far, but I’ve been a very self-reflective and betterment mode for the last 6 weeks or so. If you read my post last week, you know that my New Year’s resolution is to cut off all the boys of my past this year, and move forward completely. I’ve been successful thus far, but it’s only January 14th… Baby steps.
I made a valiant effort in dating new people. For like two weeks. I gave the nerdy engineer a chance. I went on three dates with him. I felt zero chemistry with him, and as great as he looked on paper, and as many of the boxes he checked off in the running list I have in my head of what my next boyfriend, husband, whatever, should be– that doesn’t always get you chemistry. Also, he was a bit of a pussy. If you can’t even go in for a real kiss after three dates, I’m good. I want someone who knows what to do with me… I’m not that scary, at least not after the third date. I still have my company personality on. Honestly, I’m kind of relieved because I realized something after I got home from our third mediocre date. I don’t feel ready to be in a committed serious relationship right now.
I know many of you might be thinking, “No shit Piper, look at your life” and I hear you, I get it. I guess I always thought I was living my life, having fun and filling my time with weekend trips, music festivals, drunken brunches, drunken Friday nights out, and generally staying busy and buzzed because I was waiting.
As much as I would never admit it, and as much as I didn’t even realize I was doing it, I was waiting for someone to come in and change my life. I was hoping someone would scoop me up and take care of me. I was hoping for someone to save me; save me from myself. I was waiting for someone to make me a grown up.
I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of self-destructing. I’m tired of swiping right, or emailing the same god damn email 100 times on Match.com. I’m tired of gluing fake eyelashes on, and spending $100 on cocktails at some bar, waiting for Prince Charming to walk through the door. I’m tired of all the energy I put into myself being for the benefit of some guy; of the hopes that it will land me the right guy. I’m tired of not living up to the best version of myself because I’m hung up on the notion that I need to be in a relationship to really be the best me. I’m tired of selling myself short.
I quit drinking. Not forever, but for right now. I want to for so many reasons. It’s slowing me down, it’s making me feel sluggish, and it’s keeping and extra 15-20 lbs. on my body that I’d like to get rid of. I don’t want to sleep my Sundays away anymore. I don’t want to be out until 4:30 in the morning. I don’t want to wake up with bruises all over my legs and not recollect why. I’m tired of kissing random strangers in bars, alleys, and cars. I’m tired of wasting my money on booze. I’m tired of numbing my life with alcohol.
I feel like for the first time in a long time, maybe realistically ever, I don’t even care about finding a date, or a boyfriend, or a husband. My energy and focus is on me, and for the right reasons. I want to be a healthier, smarter, fiscally sound human for myself. I want to be the best person I can be because life is so damn short, and I’m wasting my time waiting for something, or someone who may never come. I’m ok with that, because I have so much and so many people that fill my heart and soul with happiness.
So, cheers my darlings to a better and new me, and a beautiful 2016!