Growing up I can remember my dad always telling me that I had to learn everything the hardest way possible. As a kid I always used the most complicated way to solve my math homework, even when I was shown an easier method. I’ve never been one to take the smooth, paved road to happiness. Nope. Layla will always pick potholes and curves that drop you off the mountain side if not navigated perfectly.
My love life has been no different. I’ve learned some really tough lessons about trust and loyalty and vulnerability. I’ve learned what a good partner looks like and what I really value in someone intimately involved in my life. The price tag of these lessons blow my student loans out of the water! My heart has paid a very high price, including compound interest. All in all I’m thankful for these lessons. I know they’ve helped make me the woman I am. I know they make me a better partner.
But now I’m struggling to find balance between applying those expensive lessons, not repeating those mistakes, and punishing someone new for the sins of someone of the past. I don’t want to be a jaded, cynical version of myself. I don’t want to waste all the good moments waiting for the inevitable shitty ones. But, I will never again be the dumb girlfriend with her head in the sand, choosing to look past his open disrespect of me and our relationship. There must be a middle ground of self awareness, unclouded vision and fresh starts.
I want to be the sort of person who gives others the benefit of the doubt. Someone who can err on the side that people are mostly good. Because, well, I want people to believe that in me. I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who’s always drawing parallels to the past and expecting the worst or waiting for me to fuck it all up. I don’t want to be with someone who is subconsciously betting against me, betting against us. I guess it all comes down to perspective and where we choose to draw our parallels.